Someone asked me recently, do you know who you are?  I provided the usual reply…”you know, a mother, wife, martial artist, writer, friend…” blah, blah, blah.

The truth is I didn’t take even a moment to think about it.  And, what I spewed off are the roles I play in life, not really who I am.  No, to get an answer to that very real question takes a lot more thought.  I had to look a little deeper.  The meaning of who I am flows from these roles and perhaps landed me in these roles, but what I carry deep within is what truly holds the key.

So, I decided to delve a little further, going back 42 years, to see how I emerged into the person I am today.  Surprisingly, I found one attribute, one passion, that touched all of my roles as mother, wife, martial artist, friend.  It is this one character trait that transformed me into all of these other things.  Funny how I had never thought of it that way before.  It never even entered my mind that I was born to be something that I would never even acknowledge until I was in my 50’s.

I suppose middle-aged is the time in your life when you question all the decisions you’ve made.    It makes perfect sense that it is also when you look back to see if you have changed or stayed the same person as always.  I realized, I’m the same person as always.

Don’t wait as long as I did to finally think about who you are.  It took me a lifetime even though it was as clear as day and as simple as it could be.  There’s a part in each of us that we deny.  It is probably something we should share; a gift that is meant to flourish in the world and touch others that we push aside or hold back for whatever reason.

When I was ten years old, I learned to play the guitar.  This is the first key to who I am.

I would sit for hours and strum out a few chords.  But, that’s not all.  There were always words flowing.  I started to write love songs at that early age.  Words that, I thought, personified true love, similar to the Taylor Swift’s of today, except I had no direct experiences with love. I knew what love looked like and understood heartache and loneliness from reading or  watching television.  It looked like something that only a good song could help.

So, I took the words and I took the chords and I blended them together until the song emerged.  Much like how I feel about writing today, I would put it all together and look back on it and think I created that?  I still have some of those songs.  If I pick up the guitar it doesn’t take me long to play the first love song I ever wrote.  That’s when you know you are doing what you are meant to do.  You look back and feel as if it is someone else’s talent that produced the words or the music.  You completely forget it was you when you listen or read it.

The sad part about identifying the key to who I am is that I wouldn’t even call myself a “writer” until my first article was published in a shiny martial arts magazine. Even though I’ve been steadily writing since I was ten years old, I waited for someone to confirm it.  I waited 42 years for someone to publish one article before I would call myself a “writer.”

That, my friends, is too long to wait.

I waited because of lack of confidence.  I waited because I wanted someone else to confirm it.  I waited because I wasn’t sure being a writer meant anything.  But now, 42 years later, I realize the disservice I did to myself.  You might wonder  how this one passion touched my life as wife, mother, martial artist, and friend.  It came in the shape of handwritten cards I gave my husband as we were dating; it carried me through difficult pregnancies; it chronicles my martial arts journey; and it makes me sit here and talk to you as if you are on the other side of the table.

Finally, I’m able to call myself a writer because that’s who I am.  Whatever anyone else says will never change that now.  I’ve finally accepted a part of who I am and realized it need not be confirmed or denied by anyone.  That is the choice I must make.   Today I’m working on articles for several martial arts magazines, my blog, a book, and a local newspaper.  I am a writer, through and through.

So, who are you?  Think about it.  Are you being true to yourself, giving yourself the credit you deserve?  Not the role you play, not the tasks you accomplish, but the very something that makes you who you are.  Once you embrace that you will find freedom in it. There are times when you may think you know who you are but it does not come to fruition.

My son wanted more than anything to be a basketball player in college.  Despite his tremendous knowledge of the game, strategic playing and extreme effort, he found out the hard way that it probably was a great love for which a sacrifice had to be made.  After blowing out his knee twice and needing full ACL repair both times before the age of 18, his disappointment was overwhelming, yet met with the most positive attitude I  ever witnessed. After the first tear, he actually comforted me.  “Mom, don’t worry, I’ll just try again.”  After the second one he feverishly finished rehab and tried again.  But, it was too late for a full high school season of play.  It was just about time to go to college without ever having had the opportunity to show his stuff.

In college he is studying sports management.  He never let go of the dream, but modified it.  His love for sports in a growing industry will certainly offer him opportunity in other ways.  He may still play one day in the future.  Who is to say?  It’s out of our hands what our destiny means.  One thing is for sure, there is a plan for each of us.

It is so interesting that my lifetime of writing meant nothing until I published a karate article.   All the skills that I learned in martial arts classes or through teaching surfaced in other ways.  Some of my favorite stories that I’ve written have to do with my karate students, or with how I overcame obstacles in my martial arts journey.  Even though I’ve practiced for more than 25 years, I also did not refer to myself as a “martial artist” until fairly recently, either.  It seemed too fancy a term for me, someone who just simply loves learning and teaching.  An artist?  I wasn’t sure I could ever live up to that.  Now I see it differently.  I am an artist because my interpretation of what I learn and what I teach that gives me that distinction.

It’s Your Turn.  Take time now to think about who you are.  The little voice that calls to you from within.  The voice that has been there since you were a little child.  Martial artist or not, the intricacies of your heart hold a very important key; the key to who you are.

Strip away all of your roles for one moment and see what’s left.  Don’t wait for someone to tell you who you are.  Not unless you want 42 years to slip by.  I can attest that is much too long.

Find your truth.

Andrea